One of the most frustrating parts of going through chemotherapy – and probably the subsequent treatments I went through as well – is feeling like your brain just can’t do things that it used to do. I have always been a thinker, a writer and a person who loves to puzzle through the brain teasers that more regularly frustrate the snot out of most people. But since starting chemo, these things just haven’t come as easily – they haven’t come with the same effortlessness that I had always enjoyed before starting chemo.
It has been weird for the last 20 months to have had to work so hard to think, write and puzzle. It has been frustrating. It has in many ways made me feel like someone other than myself, like I suddenly was walking around as a completely different person. I would sit down to write these blog posts and stare at the computer screen for countless minutes despite having planned most of what I wanted to type before even turning on my laptop. How strange for a person who regularly wrote Masters level college essays in a single sitting! Meal planning for our family became an incredible chore and grocery shopping was laborious. Figuring out the answer to a problem, an incredible strain. Super weird for someone who regularly can sort information and manipulate it without much hesitation. Working on brain teasers was so incredibly slow. While I often still was able to find the answers, I had to labor over them and spend tons of time just looking at what was in front of me. Then once I answered one, I was completely shot for a LONG time. Not normal when you used to sit down and do six or seven without pausing and often while also doing something else.
This new normal had been around so long that you can imagine my surprise when out of no where about three weeks ago, I finally realized that I had words to write, that planning wasn’t so hard and the brain teasers were once again something that only took a touch of effort. I even could pick something up and put it down and come back to it again without having to start all of the way over. While I am sure that I am not back to where I was when we started this journey, I am starting to see more and more of “me” in my day to day activities. This is an incredible blessing and I am praising God for this advancement. Please join me in this thanksgiving.